Facing Myself

Right now my mind is running in circles.

I feel like everyday I question who I am

and everyday I come up with a different answer.

Lately I feel like I have been questioning myself a lot more...

I'm not sure what exactly it is...

Is it because I will be traveling home this weekend for easter, and the date is looming nearer and the pressures of "coming out" are building? ( or the previous "coming out" experience I had at home is haunting me?)

Maybe its the Dinah Shore news, pictures and blogs that have me wondering?

or the plans being made for LA Pride 2009? The plans that do not include me.

I think its the idea that I don't have a network of gay friends surrounding me...

or that I am afraid of the university campus community I live in, and their ultra conservative views.

Im not sure what it is, it is possibly a collection of all of the above and plus some.

Whatever it is, it really has me wondering.

I think as someone stuck in bisexual limbo land its hard to know exactly where I fit in.

The LBGT community is a very accepting community, but sometimes its hard... when there are "girls nights" at the gay and lesbian center... do I attend? Will I fit in?

Or even Dinah? Lesbian pool party, is that for me? 

I wonder... where should my first experience be? At The Center? At a bar? At a club? At an event? At a pride?.... Maybe I should venture down to a coffee shop in WeHo? I just don't know what is for me...

I guess I am having a hard time knowing exactly who I am.

or if I should even "come out"... whatever that entails.

In a way I feel this urge to just blurt it out to everyone, to have those awkward family get-togethers when I spill my guts, to have that awkward silence after I tell my roommate... 

but then I think to myself, what if I regret it? Or, what if I am not really interested in same-sex relations, and this is all "just a phase" or curiosity?

I guess I will never really know until something actually occurs, right?

Or at least I wont have the feeling of absolute knowledge until I experience it.

So do I act on these feelings before something happens?

Or do I wait to "come out" until I have actual "proof"?

Some people have it easy... they fall in love, get together, and then share their relationship as the starting point of coming out... but not me.

My falling in love relationship was with a celebrity that I have never met in real life... so how can I base my entire sexuality on something so.... imaginative. Because that's what it is... imaginative feelings I have for someone... because I don't know her in real life, I have no idea if we would even get along in real life! Oh Leisha... why do you do this to me?

Sometimes I feel so translucent.

Before I even came out to myself, whenever I would talk about Uh Huh Her to my friends or something along those lines I would get a few one-liners like, " Are you trying to tell us something k-?" and then I would laugh... and they would laugh... and the subject would change. But I always had this nagging feeling deep down inside me after the whole conversation was over.... and even during the conversation. A little thing building up inside me wanting to shout "yes! yes, I do have something to tell you!" but I was always so confused because after this little voice would shout these things inside my head I would wonder to myself... "what am I thinking? This makes no sense... I am not gay.. why would I want to tell them?"

Even today, which is more obvious why, I have this little voice inside me.

Sometimes it shouts so violently I am scared I will just blurt out everything it's saying.

but other times it is dead silent and it makes me wonder.... am I truly bisexual?

Sometimes I feel like I need to step out on a limb to ever really know who I am.

Sometimes I feel like I need to go to a Pride or go to a club and really experience it all before I will ever know the real me inside.

It scares me to think that I might live my life always wondering, and never be truly happy.

But where do I begin?

Once I step foot in a bar... doesn't this open up pandora's box?

It changes everything, everything.

But maybe that is a good thing?

Maybe I need this little push.

I am not sure what I will say this weekend, or if I will say anything at all.

All I know is that I need to be honest to myself first, before I can be honest with the people around me.

Although I feel like I have already completed this step, I think I need to take a few steps back and really evaluate everything I am feeling.

Once I can establish to myself whether or not "this is only a phase" I think it will be easier and more rewarding when sharing who I am with my loved ones and friends.

Maybe one day I will have the courage to face my university and the community surrounding it.

But until then I must face the one person that truly matters, myself.

xoxo

-K