Tachycardia Tuesday

So.. I kind of came out to my mom today.

Kind of. 

Actually, I have no idea really what happened. 

But to pick the best day to come out, Tachycardia tuesday fits the best.

I definitely had a fast heart beat (although not for the reason I prefer)

It didn't really go very well.

um, actually I guess that depends on how you look at it.

I ended up being the one crying, isn't it supposed to be the other way around?

I thought I was supposed to be the one totally sure of myself, strong and spinning it in the positive direction.

Instead she was all calm and I was the one sobbing. 

I definitely was not ready, but it just kind of happened.

She brought it up in The Pita Pit.. but I kind of dodged the subject.

And then it just kind of happened while sitting in the car in the parking lot outside of my brothers school waiting for him to get out of school.

I think I was more embarrassed than anything else. 

Plus, my family/mother is very religious so I know she doesn't approve of it.

But I have really thought about it, obviously not enough though.

I told her just to forget about it.

That it is probably just a phase, and she shouldn't take it that seriously (the total opposite of what most people what to hear, most people hear this from their parents and fight it, but instead I am the one trying to convince them of this)

I told her its not important, but instead of being a normal mom and just ignoring it like i want her to, she instead says back to me that it is important because it is my happiness and that since I am crying obviously I am struggling with this. But she will ignore it for now why I try to figure it all out. She says that I should pray about it, and make sure I understand the direction God wants me to go. and if in the end I figure out this is the path, then she will always support me.. even if she doesn't necessarily approve of the lifestyle.

I think that is the best response I could ever have hoped for.

So why do I feel like shit?

Why do I still feel like there is a weight sitting on my chest, still?

Shouldn't I feel better about this whole thing? 

Like I am not hiding who I am anymore?

I think I need to think about this whole thing.

I don't think I have figured it all out yet.

I am not sure this tachycardia tuesday happening is for the good or bad.

All the things about coming out that I read say that you should accept it/admit it to yourself first, before talking to others in your life. So have I done that? Or did I break the "order" of things?

Why is this so hard?

Why can't it be black and white, crystal clear, obvious, easy?

At least I have Tegan and Sara to serenade me.

I told you earlier, I have become obsessed with their music.

The Con on repeat.

Don't judge.

Ps. They were on This Just Out yesterday (well the second half of their interview)

Check it.

xoxo
-K