homesuckhome

So I feel like all of my posts have had a certain theme to them, that really doesn't represent who I am.

And it bothers me.

There is so much more to who I am.

It just happens that this one theme has been the prominent focus in of my mind thus making it the central theme to all my posts.

So today I strive for something completely different, no matter how random it may be.

I just found out my friend is not coming back home for her spring break

which means this last weekend here for me, wont overlap with her homecoming 

which means yet again I have been.... I have no idea how I wanted to finish that sentence.

As much as I love coming home there are things I dislike as well, and since I will be going back to school soon, I should start getting in the right mindset to leave, so I wont be culture shoked

So here is the list, no matter how fabricated I make it

1. constantly being asked if I have "a new boy in my life"

2. feeling guilty for the internal reaction I feel when someone asks the above question

3. the obnoxious person I become when I revert back to the old self

4. how everyone assumes I am the same person

5. how everybody wants to talk about my school because they think its "prestigious" or some shit like that

6. how much I miss freedom

7. how much I miss the LA lifestyle

8. how much I miss the awesome SoCal weather

9. how much I miss my friends

10. how much I miss my independent lifestyle

11. when I realize how much I miss (my brother growing up, inside jokes, trips, bonding etc.) not being home

12. when I realize how distant my relationship with my brother is becoming

13. how much I have to bite my tongue around my parents

14. how guilty I feel about the last statement

15. when I realize how I really have no friends from high school that I care about seeing

16. when I realize how different my best friends and I are now

17. the pressures of eating healthy

18. the slight awkwardness that has developed with the establishment of my different views  from my parents

19. the pressure of feeling like I need to visit my extremely lonely, extremely depressed grandma everyday

20. the guilt I feel when I barely spend time with her while I am home

21. driving my annoying car from high school

22. all the annoying memories/flashbacks that happen around town/in my car

23. running into people I really don't want to see

24. the idea that I feel annoyed/pressured/feel bad in general when I go home

so thats that list.

depressing, yes, I know. 

but its the truth.

Today is friday and by sunday night when I am in my institutional dorm room refurbished to feel "home-y" ... hungry, tired, and stressed about classes on monday.. it will be then that I regret writing this list. But thats life.

So for now I will suck it up, put a smile on my face regardless if its fake or not, take a shower in my clean personal bathroom, get dressed in my quiet, comfortable bedroom and then walk down stairs and give my loving mom a big hug.

Because for now, I'm home.

xoxo

-K