It was ep. 17- about a guy who lost all his inhibitions due to a problem in his brain
Instead of having any kind of filter, he simply just blurted out whatever was on his mind
It got me to thinking....
What if everybody was like this?
What if it was impossible for anybody to keep a secret?
I know on the surface this may sound like a horribly stupid idea, but imagine...
A world where everything was out in the open
Where if you had any negative thought at all, it would be spilled to the world
so instead, everybody would be kinder
everybody would be accepting
You would know what people thought about you, because if it was anything negative at all, it would be blurted out
If this was the case, then without a doubt I would know exactly what my mom thinks of me
I have been told by many people that I exaggerate what people think about me
That I over analyze simple actions that truly mean nothing
but I can't help but feel the slight change that has occurred between my mom and I
the distance that has seeped in between us
In south of nowhere Ashley warns Spencer about coming out to her parents because she knows what it feels like to have a mother who disapproves of her lifestyle, and in some way thinks of her as less of daughter since finding out she is gay
I know my mom is one of the most loving people I know
and I also know that at the time she said that although she didn't approve, she would love me no matter what
but the more I think about this, the more I am not ok with it
if she loves me, but doesn't approve or believe in this major side of me, then it is impossible for her to love all of me
this is who I am
its not just a side note
I don't want her to overlook it, and I don't want her to "approve" it... I want her to truly understand it and truly understand me
and I know that is harder said then done
she is super super conservative, actually my entire family is
it will be interesting to see what Easter is like this year when all of us are together again and it is one of the few times a year my parents force us to go to church, no excuses
There is one amazing positive thing that has occurred out of all of this
my sister is amazing
the night I ended up telling her ( I wanted her to be the very first person, but it didn't happen that way)
anyways, the night I told her I was like, "hey, you know how you were wondering what I talk about in my blog... well, do you want to know" thinking she would be like yeah, and then I could tell her.
instead it went more like this....
My sister: "Yeah, only if you want to though"
K: "Well, yeah, I think I want to tell you"
M: "Well, you wouldn't have brought up the subject if you didn't want to, right?"
K:" Ok yeah.. ummm"
M: "Are you trying to tell me you're gay?"
K: "um, yeah! Wow, well more like.. im not really into a label but I guess you could say bisexual, but... how did you know?"
M: "K-, I know everything, you're my sister, I just can feel these things"
K: " really, well do you think its obvious to everyone else?"
M:"No, just me.. but thats so cool!"
K: "Really!?"
M: " Yeah! I love the whole idea of just opening your heart up to everybody and seeing who you fall in love with.. its an amazing thing.. plus, didn't you hear my friends tonight, we all totally have a crush on that exchange student! haha"
* Note: not everything here is word for word accurate but the conversation was something like it
Out of all of this chaos I have found that my sister is one of the most amazing and loving people
She truly is so cool
I knew she would be ok with it, she and I have a lot of the same beliefs (more open-minded)
but I had no idea she would be this accepting, she is absolutely wonderful.
I just wanted to share that story because I always seem to put a negative spin on this subject when I talk about it... and I really just wanted to let you know its not a negative thing in my mind
I understand its a confusing path and not the easiest lifestyle to live
but for me its so right, and just being slightly open about it has completely changed my life
I can't even imagine what it will be like when I am ready to show everybody my true self
My sister that same night brought up the fact that my blog is anonymous
she asked me why and I told her, because it just has to be
She told me some of the most encouraging words she said
"You shouldn't hide it, thats silly, that is who you are, you shouldn't be embarrassed about who you are"
ok, so they aren't completely poetic, but it was 2 am and I am totally butchering everything she said... but the point is heartfelt and I am in the process of trying to get up the nerve...
someday,
someday I will share my whole self with the world
xoxo
-K
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