Tachycardia Tuesday

And once again its Tachycardia Tuesday

I have to admit, this week was not as dramatic as last week... for better or worse, depending on how you look at it.

I definitely don't have a story for you as exciting as last tuesday, but its the one day a week when a fast heart beat is sought after... so what about today?

Sugar rush!

I am so high on sugar right now, if I wasn't seated at my desk typing, then I would be.... not sitting? 

I dunno... but I'm sugar coated or coded, depending on how you accent the "t"

coded works too... like when someone is in a hospital and they stop breathing or have a respiratory malfunction/ heart attack then on the loud speaker they shout "Code Blue!"

I had to memorize all these codes when I did this Health Occupations class in High School and we had to do rotations throughout the hospital... they never once called a code

Or.. when the doctors in a tv show cluster around a patient on white hospital bed and they all shout "he's coding!" or afterwards when they are talking at lunch they say "he coded"

well technically I could be sugar coded.. like go into a "code" like code blue due to too much sugar?

And now I am just rambling and rambling on....

This is what happens when I don't eat anything for 9 hours except lots and lots of sugary products.

Me and my hug friend had a "sugar lab" today

We decided to bake all the sugary delicious things we wished we could make in gross cooking lab... we thought it would be like hard core baking and cooking but instead we ended up just making the classics, chocolate cookies and lucky charms rice crispy treats.

And I didn't have dinner.... instead I have eaten my entire portion of the rice crispy treat

surprisingly I don't have a stomach ache

instead I am just super hyper and really, really don't want to work on all the stuff I need to do

It actually was amazingly fun, like a lot of fun

Not exactly what I thought it would be, or even what I "hoped" it would be

but I had a great time

I think we might do it next tuesday.... Tachycardia? I hope so... will it be? I can answer almost positively no, it wont cause tachycardia... but it will still be lots of fun, and that all that matters.

This is sad. I think this is the worst post I have every written.

All it is, is rambling... about things you truly don't care about reading

Which is why it is probably a good thing that I don't have any readers!!

Oh wait, I have REAL tachycardia news that I just learned about a little bit ago!

TEGAN AND SARA CONCERT!

The only sad thing is, its July 5th.. which is when I am at home.. not here in this wonderful sunny, LA-cultured part of the country 

I am actually so extremely sad about this, I feel like I could cry

but I wont...

instead I will hope and dream that for some reason I will be able to make the concert

Oh yeah, and they are playing with Death Cab For Cutie as well as The New Pornographers

Oh yeah, its an outdoor concert at the Hollywood Bowl

Oh yeah, its for a good cause

UGH! Could this concert be screaming my name anymore??! 

Although I really only want to see T&S... the others wouldn't be bad

Well, Pandora Radio just brought to my attention a song that I used to be way too obsessed with but have forgotten about it, so now it is fresh, and beautiful and I will share it with you.

Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

xoxo
-K

My List #1

Lipton Yellow Label Tea

There is this book circulating Blog directories by some lady who is not important, but basically it says that readers don't want to hear about what you had for lunch or breakfast or something like that

But I think people care--- ok maybe not, maybe thats why I have no followers

I don't talk about crazy sh*t that happens to me, I'm not funny, I don't talk about crude things like me pooping (because actually girls don't poop, its a fact), oh yeah, and I don't share steamy stories about hookups with either sex, because, well... lets be honest... it never happens.

So, if I want to talk about my obsession with Lipton Yellow Label tea, then I will talk about it.

OR... I can talk about the guy that works out at my gym and how he looks like a guru.. a crazy jump-roping guru fiend.. who wears Lakers workout pants and jumps so ferociously his beard bounces up and down to the same rhythm.

I can really write about anything I want.

But right now I want to talk about another thing that is on my life list (remember I got to check one off yesterday because I got to see LA Sol play!)

This one has been on my list for a much shorter time, and it still continues to be there...

I want a 1971 Honda CB 100 motorcycle

so bad!

Isn't it beautiful?

I will make this #1 on my list... and maybe as this blog continues I will add to the list... I know I have a bunch of other random things to add.

*Note: Numbers are not in order of accomplishment or priority of any sort, they are only numbered to make a list, thus #1 is simply just #1.

So why do I want this beautiful piece of machinery? 

I have no idea.

To tell you the truth I originally found it while being a creeper and reading every one of Leisha Hailey's interviews... in one of them she talks about her best purchase, and this was it.

To continue on, I am pretty sure she doesn't even own one of these anymore... she said it was her first motorcycle she bought and then when they did a documentary of Uh Huh Her, her and Cam rode around on a different motorcycle.. so I am sure this model is history for her.

But not me.

I fell in love the second I saw it.

And I haven't dropped the dream since.

I think there are several factors that draw me to this purchase: 

a) the idea of the wind whipping at my body ( am obsessed already with driving with my windows down in my car)

b) the idea of being able to go anywhere, just zipping around

c) the idea of enjoying the LA weather just a little more than I already do, sunnnnshine.

d) my mom absolutely swears she will never let me buy one, oh how I hate authority

e) the thrill of owning a motorcycle

f) its just so cute!

g) badass biker girl... need I say more

I) the feeling of living on the edge, but also doing something you have always wanted to do, and not worrying about the outcome, because life is short.

j) yeah life is short, and yeah motorcycles are dangerous, but I would much rather make my life shorter on a motorcycle than be 80 years old and wishing I had followed my dreams.

I can go on... but I feel that these make up my core beliefs in one day owning this superbly built, "Candy Apple Red" machine.

So one day in the future, if you see one of these babies fly past you on PCH... yes, that was me.

xoxo

-K

LA Sol

Today I fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams

Ok.. maybe not lifelong, but a dream I have had since I was at least 10 years old

I went to a professional womens soccer game!

LA Sol!

It was their first game, ever... since the team was just established.

So I technically witnessed LA history

And it was so much fun, they won!

I absolutely love soccer.

I have a hard time watching it though, especially women..

because it makes me miss it so much!

And then I regret not continuing to play these last few years.

This summer I was in Europe during the EuroCup and it was so much fun!

All the excitement...

The community of fans was amazing, it overwhelmed entire cities!

Sometimes I wish the US was like that...

I guess Superbowl is similar... but it is such a different feeling.

Instead of two teams from different cities/states competing... it's entire countries competing!

So the teams have their entire country cheering them on...

its so powerful.

I really wanted to find a youtube video of the 2 beautiful goals the Sol ladies scored against the Washington Freedom... but the only two videos that are up yet are cr*p.

So... I will leave you with something completely unrelated.

But its a song I am obsessed with, and I absolutely love the music video too.

Band: The Reason ft. Sara Quin!

Song: We're So Beyond This

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

PS. Go Sol!

xoxo
-K

Simply Love

Oh man, this video just cracks me up.

First of all, its actually quite funny thinking about how this relates to Leisha Hailey... Did we even know that Alice plays musical instruments?---I wonder how close this was to Leisha's true coming out experience... probably not.. but it would be funny.

This got me to thinking.... just about love in general I guess.

I watch these shows like The L Word, and before I had even questioned my sexuality at all, I absolutely fell in love with it. 

I didn't care that it was about lesbians, I just loved the story lines, the love.

I think today I really don't know what I am.

But I can easily sit down and watch a movie like Garden State... and want to find true love with a man and then ten minutes late watch L Word clips and want a hot girlfriend.

So I have finally figured it all out.

I just want love.

I know, how cliche... but its true

I think that is why I connected with the L Word so long ago.

And why I am so in love with South of Nowhere... its just the idea of finding that one person you cant live without.

Wouldn't it be amazing if everybody felt this way?

If everybody was just looking for love

There would be no more gay hate

It would just be love

Now I am sounding like a true hippie

but thats truly how I feel

Im just looking for love

Don't you hate being single and then watching shows like SoN and they are all lovey dovey and with their soulmate... and you are alone... it just makes you feel awesome!

Well enough of this whining, time to get back to my Saturday night of absolute nothingness

ohhhh yeah.

xoxo

-K

Magical Music

Guess what!

I'm going to a Cold War Kids concert tonight!

And the only reason I am telling you this is because, well there are two reasons why

1. I have to post early because, as I'm sure you know its a process getting to these things... and therefore to tell you the truth I have not thought very long about this post, so it will probably turn out like sh*t... and for that I apologize now.

2. Live music! I am sure I have ranted on and on about this in a previous post, but I am absolutely obsessed with live music. It doesn't even have to be good music, as long as someone is in front of my playing I will be strongly intrigued. It does help that the musician actually be talented though, and good looking too, thats always wonderful as well.

Music is my lover.

Actually, if I was in a relationship with music, our chemistry would be hot and heavy right now.

You know how you go on ups and downs with music?

Depending on how many new songs you have added to your itunes library (usually) or if you find a really old song and you are like "OMG, I haven't heard this for soooo long!" and then you fall in love with it all over again.

Well right now I am in both of those amazing stages of discovery, new songs and classic old ones.

Last night my roommate out of the blue asked me "What's your favorite song?"

And I immediately felt my blood pressure rise multiple points, not because I was angry at her.. how could I be, I adore her.. but because I absolutely, I mean absolutely hate that question.

I feel like, to me, it would be the same as someone approaching you and asking, "What do you like better, food, sleep  or oxygen?" 

My answer wouldn't matter, because without any of the following three, I would die.

And thats how I feel about music.

Yes, you may be smirking at me thinking I am so overly dramatic, but hey... what's your passion?

Can you imagine living without your passion?

Like if its art, painting... and someone asks you.. "what's your favorite color?" and then proceeds to take away every other color from you palate only allowing you to do "art" with that one color.

sucks right?!

Haha, ok.. now I can barely help but laugh at myself...

I think I need a fix.... a fix of musical magic!

xoxo

-K

Your epidermis is showing

I would totally put these in my house,
well, I totally would if I was decorating eclectic style...
but still, they are dank.

So here is the whole blurb:
"Graphic design meets anatomy in a stylish interior design with this chair created by AK-LH, a Paris-based design company that specializes in "dressing the inanimate objects of our daily lives to liven them up."
This anatomically upholstered chair is named "Flow" and is part of AK-LH 'Tante Wera' series of 50s style Swedish armchairs (limited edition of 7).

You can have a look at all of that at www.ak-lh.com"

So. This is probably not that interesting to you. But to me it is... because I love ANATOMY
It's actually a weird obsession I have.
When I was in high school I bought the whole Gray's Anatomy book ( it was on sale for $10.99)
And that is when it all began...

And then I went to a medical conference thing for teenagers
And I got to see a corpse all post-autopsy style
It was so cool
After we left the college I immediately texted my mom, "I just touched a dead body!"

I love sketching
I have always wanted the skills of the illustrators of medical text books
especially Gray's



I'm not sure exactly why I am in love with it so much
I have had a knack for it all my life
It's where I get my highest grades
Physiology was a snap
but why?

In high school for anatomy class we had to dissect cats
ours had a red scrunchie on its tail so we could tell it apart from all the other cats
because once they were skinned, inside the vacuumed sealed formaldehyde filled bags, they all looked the same
my friend pierced her cats ears, she wore gold hoops for a whole semester

I know this song isn't exactly the right "mood" but I love it
I think I love it so much because I relate to it so much
A little background on this song:
Sara, when she was younger was determined that something was wrong with her
She made her mom bring her to doctors appointment after doctors appointment searching for "cancer"
Over and over again they kept telling her that she was fine, but deep down inside she knew something was wrong.

Like O, Like H - Tegan And Sara

When I was younger I went through a similar circumstance
Actually my whole life
I have been sick for as long as I can remember
one thing after another...
I used to get stabbing heart pains so bad that I would collapse on the ground in agony
the doctor told me there was nothing wrong with
So, that is why I relate so much to this song
it may also be why I love anatomy so much...
maybe the mind set that one day I can cure myself?
Who knows...

Well, thats it for now. 

I really wanted to share my love of anatomy with you.

xoxo

-K

sounding off

I'm not gonna lie, this no readers/no subscribers or followers thing, is starting to get to me

Is my life really that boring?

I keep telling myself its because I just started and people don't know about me yet

but this is post number....35? I think

depressing...

almost as depressing as this room/studio search I am in the middle of wading through

or drowning in... more like.

It probably doesn't help that I am not quite sure what I am searching for

I think it would be amazing to branch out and live in a new part of LA

West Hollywood appeals to me

But then I will need to commute.... ugh.

I thought maybe I could just stay in the coffee shops working on my stuff

but in reality I am going to be holed up in my room

either that or be with my fellow friend who is scheduled to take this hellish class as well

Plus I learned today that my gym membership doesn't run out until I cancel it... so I might as well take advantage of that while Im here for the extra month.

And this is why I have no followers.... because I talk about my gym membership. ha

So what do I find interesting for today?

This is pretty amazing

This is an image of boy hearing for the first time:

“This photo was taken by photographer Jack Bradley and depicts the exact moment this boy, Harold Whittles, hears for the very first time ever. The doctor treating him has just placed an earpiece in his left ear. Date unknown."

This brings up the topic that I have thought about multiple times

There is that one party question ( which is really not so happy-go-lucky kind of material) that asks, "Would you rather be deaf or blind?"

I have always had the hardest time trying to come up with my answer... and I think I have decided I would rather be blind... because music is literally the only thing that can save me at times... what would you pick?

An example of this would be last night

After finding out the news (check it if you don't know what i'm talking about)

I was pissed and sad and extremely over emotional, I just didn't know what to do or how to feel

I was lost

and then I put on music

sometimes it makes my emotions stronger, sometimes it makes them more obvious, but somehow it works... I think it just helps me sort everything out in my head

Without it I would be a complete wreck

I can't imagine being this little boy

This is such a powerful moment in his life

To be grateful for our working eyes and ears... here is a little treat for you:

xoxo
-K

Tachycardia Tuesday

Tuesday never fails me.

For some reason all the crazy, heart-wrenching, blood pumping activities always happen on Tachycardia Tuesday, always.

Today, actually tonight, I found out the biggest, craziest news, ever.

Earlier today I kept thinking that I would have nothing to post, but really all I had to do was check my mailbox, and there it was. 

There it was in purple pen, messy and soothingly familiar handwriting.

Pasted on the inside of a golden retriever puppy card, a few simple words that shook my world.

Instead of telling me in person, or on the phone, my best friend chose to write it out.

Allee is pregnant

Those three words.

I had to sit down, I didn't care who was watching .

What?! 

This is so weird.

How can one of my best friends, someone I looked up to as a role model.

Someone I spent hours and hours and hours with messing around .

I lived at their house.

She was like my older sister.

We all called each other sister, I called her Big Sis.

She was my tennis buddy.

my art buddy.

my Golden Girls on saturday mornings buddy.

my Spirulina drinking buddy.

my jeep buddy.

How is she pregnant?!

And not only that, but she has been pregnant since November, November!

That means when I come home for easter in a few weeks, it will show.

Life sure comes at you fast.

Sometimes it just punches you in the gut.

I feel like I just got slapped in the face by life.

Maybe it would hissing "Wake up! This is Life!"

while it inflicted pain across my cheek.

I thought I was in shock when finding out person after person from my graduating class is getting engaged, well engaged or already married.

I thought that was a wake up call, but I was so, so wrong.

I don't know why I am so sad, but thats the most overwhelming feeling I have right now.

pure sadness.

It hurts so much to talk to my best friend, this is hurting her so much.

Its so hard to see someone you love, to see two people you love, go through something like this and you can't be with them.

Im over 3000 miles away, and all I want to do is give her a hug, give both of them a hug.

Wow, I'm sorry... I know this is not that interesting to you, and probably doesn't give you tachycardia or any interesting feeling like that. 

But this is my blog, my life.... and right now I am in complete shock.

It will be ok.

It is always ok.

Soon my hands will stop shaking.

Soon it will settle in.

Soon it will be reality.

But for now, I just need a hug.

Breath in, breath out.

Life carries on.

Because there is so much love,

there is so much love between our two families,

so much love. 

It will all be ok.

And life carries on.

xoxo

-K

kinda random

For some reason I have this song stuck in my head
and it keeps repeating over and over again, right at the chorus part
ok....I lied

I actually know why I really like the song

Do you notice if the song has some kind of history to you, you seem to like it

I always wonder, if it didn't have that past connection, would you even like the song?

Anyways, this song is on a South of Nowhere youtube clip thingy that I watched and the clip was really good and the song was good for the clip and so I guess now I like the song

Although I think I just like that one certain part of the song more than the actual whole song

Well, here it is

My obsession with Twitter has grown steadily over the last few days
Now I crave the realization that I found something worthy enough to post
I search and search for the perfect song or news or feeling, just so I can update to Twitter
I know, its sad
I feel like so many people are starting to get into this Twitter thing, and now I understand why

Do you ever wonder why people are your friend?

Not in like a depressing way, but more of a quizzical question

There are two ways to look at it

#1 I don't understand why people are happy to be my friend- am I really that good of company?

or

#2 I don't understand why I have a hard time making friends- is there something awkward about me?

Now I know this makes no complete sense, but it does to me.

I ask myself these questions often, because I truly wonder

Sometimes I feel like I am the most awkward person ever, especially around certain people ( that I can list off in my head) but for some reason they enjoy being my friend and actually continue with the process.... and I really don't understand why they would do this

Other times I can be the most outgoing, funny open person ( who knows why, I definitely go in phases between cool and really not cool) and the people surrounding me act as if I am an alien or something and therefor even though I seem to myself to be more "cool" in fact I am making less friends than when I am a complete awkward loser. 

Thats my school for you though

Its located in the most materialistic location on earth, I swear and the people hear are pretty superficial ( even though we are supposed to be a religious institute---which in reality means bullshit to me which is why I probably should understand why it means shit to everyone else) but still, you would think it would attract some decent people, right?

Don't get me wrong, I love my school.... well, I love things about my school

It just gets tiring sometimes.. especially now, that I am... open... more, at least to myself, about my feelings.

Written in the student handbook is a clause on sexual relationships, in addition to sex outside of marriage ( between a husband and a wife-they are very clear about that) homosexuality is listed in the same category--meaning, if it is caught ( seen in the open) then you can be punished for it. I heard this was a rumor last year, until my best friend ( who happens to be a gay male) and I decided to see if it was true- and it is. There for if you are caught for example kissing someone of the same sex- you could be expelled from the school on the third account. Pretty ridiculous right? No wonder we have so many closeted gay males around- I swear almost 50% here are... or at least don't know it themselves. ( totally stating that in a happy, not mean way) 

I guess I just wanted to vent my frustration about how I feel so alienated here

My friend is overseas right now, and I know when he gets back ( especially after he learns about my epiphany I had while he was gone ) the campus won't seem so...discriminatory or  however you want to describe it.

I love my school, the professors, the location relative to the beach, the location relative to LA, the location....well, in general, and... my friends... but its hard.. it really is.

So on a happy note, this is what I am obsessed with at the current moment

specifically Urban Detox in Goji Berry Flavor... Although I just had Light Weight... and I like this feeling of "burning calories" I always wonder if these drinks really work, and then I think.. "well they can't hurt!"

So yeah, there is my plug... that doesn't help me... but potentially could help you if you happen to drink them and they happen to actually work like they say on the label. Your choice.

xoxo

-K

Happy

I know, I know....

I am constantly talking about the same L word shit

But....

I found this youtube clip and I was laughing so much I decided I had to post it

When you look at season 6 like this you realize just how good it really was
yeah there were some messed up stuff
and yeah it is extremely annoying that a million different questions went unanswered

(Don't even get me started, the list would take up this entire blog)

But, with all these happy moments pasted together, I realized just how much fun this season was

Its an absolutely beaaaaautiful day

Although it is a little windy, which is a bummer

But I just love love love this time of year

I think its my most favorite weather in the world, southern california in the spring time

There is sunshine and warm sun but the air is still crisp and the temperatures don't rise past unbearable

Well, I wish I had something dynamic and important to talk about, but in reality I just have a paper to write and a test to study for.

It really is a beautiful day

One of those days you can't help but smile about

One of those days you really are happy to just be living

Happy Sunday

xoxo

-K

the crooked path

Today (while I was supposed to be taking the day to catch up on studying) I ended up watching an episode of House from a few weeks ago.

It was ep. 17- about a guy who lost all his inhibitions due to a problem in his brain

Instead of having any kind of filter, he simply just blurted out whatever was on his mind

It got me to thinking....

What if everybody was like this?

What if it was impossible for anybody to keep a secret?

I know on the surface this may sound like a horribly stupid idea, but imagine...

A world where everything was out in the open

Where if you had any negative thought at all, it would be spilled to the world

so instead, everybody would be kinder

everybody would be accepting

You would know what people thought about you, because if it was anything negative at all, it would be blurted out

If this was the case, then without a doubt I would know exactly what my mom thinks of me

I have been told by many people that I exaggerate what people think about me

That I over analyze simple actions that truly mean nothing

but I can't help but feel the slight change that has occurred between my mom and I

the distance that has seeped in between us

In south of nowhere Ashley warns Spencer about coming out to her parents because she knows what it feels like to have a mother who disapproves of her lifestyle, and in some way thinks of her as less of  daughter since finding out she is gay

I know my mom is one of the most loving people I know

and I also know that at the time she said that although she didn't approve, she would love me no matter what

but the more I think about this, the more I am not ok with it

if she loves me, but doesn't approve or believe in this major side of me, then it is impossible for her to love all of me

this is who I am

its not just a side note

I don't want her to overlook it, and I don't want her to "approve" it... I want her to truly understand it and truly understand me

and I know that is harder said then done

she is super super conservative, actually my entire family is

it will be interesting to see what Easter is like this year when all of us are together again and it is one of the few times a year my parents force us to go to church, no excuses

There is one amazing positive thing that has occurred out of all of this

my sister is amazing

the night I ended up telling her ( I wanted her to be the very first person, but it didn't happen that way)

anyways, the night I told her I was like, "hey, you know how you were wondering what I talk about in my blog... well, do you want to know" thinking she would be like yeah, and then I could tell her.

instead it went more like this....

My sister: "Yeah, only if you want to though"

K: "Well, yeah, I think I want to tell you"

M: "Well, you wouldn't have brought up the subject if you didn't want to, right?"

K:" Ok yeah.. ummm"

M: "Are you trying to tell me you're gay?"

K: "um, yeah! Wow, well more like.. im not really into a label but I guess you could say bisexual, but... how did you know?"

M: "K-, I know everything, you're my sister, I just can feel these things"

K: " really, well do you think its obvious to everyone else?"

M:"No, just me.. but thats so cool!"

K: "Really!?"

M: " Yeah! I love the whole idea of just opening your heart up to everybody and seeing who you fall in love with.. its an amazing thing.. plus, didn't you hear my friends tonight, we all totally have a crush on that exchange student! haha"

* Note: not everything here is word for word accurate but the conversation was something like it

Out of all of this chaos I have found that my sister is one of the most amazing and loving people

She truly is so cool

I knew she would be ok with it, she and I have a lot of the same beliefs (more open-minded)

but I had no idea she would be this accepting, she is absolutely wonderful.

I just wanted to share that story because I always seem to put a negative spin on this subject when I talk about it... and I really just wanted to let you know its not a negative thing in my mind

I understand its a confusing path and not the easiest lifestyle to live

but for me its so right, and just being slightly open about it has completely changed my life

I can't even imagine what it will be like when I am ready to show everybody my true self

My sister that same night brought up the fact that my blog is anonymous

she asked me why and I told her, because it just has to be

She told me some of the most encouraging words she said

"You shouldn't hide it, thats silly, that is who you are, you shouldn't be embarrassed about who you are"

ok, so they aren't completely poetic, but it was 2 am and I am totally butchering everything she said... but the point is heartfelt and I am in the process of trying to get up the nerve...

someday,

someday I will share my whole self with the world

xoxo

-K

the documentary

Do you ever wonder if someone were to make your life into a tv show, if anybody would watch it?

My friends in high school and I would always joke around about this
we would say, "if anybody was filming this right now they would think we were crazy!"
or
"We really should have our own tv show!"

I always wonder if my life was a movie, if someone would watch it and laugh, or watch it and cry
Or maybe a book
would someone keep reading, or put it down out of complete boredom?

(pause: I am in the process of doing laundry)

(resume: laundry change-over is complete)

Wow, so that was complete proof right there that my life story, at least daily life is borrrring

But I really was in dire need of doing my laundry
The key to surviving college laundry is own as many pairs of underwear possible
once those babies run out you know that laundry time has come and passed and your sheets really really need to be washed

its also nice to own dark chocolate brown sheets like mine, they always look rich and delicious no matter how many weeks have passed

Annnnyways, back to a documentary about my life

I think it would be really cool if I could do commentary throughout it describing what I felt at certain moments

describing thoughts, emotions, and conversations that were going through my head

The documentary would be shot only in black and white film 

except for a few exceptions I deemed worthy of color

like my hometown sunsets

shots of venice beach boardwalk

slow-motion frames of my little brother blowing out his flaming thirteen candles on his b-day cake (the one moment of this year Im really sad about missing)

I would allow color shots of the green trees that tower over the hiking trails I explore

or color filming of the teal blue seas of Greece I got to experience last summer

I love how colorful life is

that is why I am in love with this beautiful world around me

but I think its important to isolate out those few wonderful moments, so they look just as special to other people as they feel to me

I am jacked up on multiple grande lattes right now

so if nothing makes sense in this post

I blame it on the caffeine rushing through my veins

But it makes complete sense to me... and at this point I am the only one that reads these post

so it really doesn't matter

4 words.... TGIF

xoxo

-K

the new phase

Do you ever go in phases?

I'm sure you do... everybody does

You get stuck on one thing and just repeat it over and over and over again

I have had some pretty weird phases over my lifetime 

Gel pens- I would refuse to write in anything other than those sparkly sticks of rainbow magic

Raisin Bran Crunch- those clusters of sweetness are more like clusters of crack

Jennifer Aniston- Literally an entire wall of my room was plastered with her picture... a wallpaper of "Rachel Green" faces

Purple- purple Kool-aid, grape flavored bubblicious, purple wall paper, purple hair clips, purple ring pops, purple EVERYTHING

Refusing to tie shoes- I bought elastic springy shoelaces (remember those!?), nikes that Velcro, tied my shoelaces in knots and tucked them into my shoes, eventually switching to nothing other than flip-flops.... even in dead winter requiring me to walk through inches of snow to class... i didn't care, I was hardcore... anything to not tie shoes

Monkeys- I thought I was Jane Goodall, wore overalls, killed "poachers", lived in a cherry tree for 80% of my summer days, and wore monkeys around my neck with velcro hands and had such a large collection of them I think it totaled around 25

*Note: These are not in chronological order- I was not pretending to be an Ape-loving grey haired woman in my teens

I bring this topic up because I have fallen into a horrible phase...

I used to be all organic, clean, healthy... only drinking green tea as an obsession, sometimes switching to days consuming only chai... but sadly my new phase has become sugar free vanilla lattes.. I KNOW! What have I done...

I have fallen prey to the the corporate scoundrels named Starbucks

I really have no choice though, where I live there are no small cafes to support

but that will change soon

I have decided to stay here in LA for the beginning of my summer vaca. instead of driving back to my hometown

My school gets out for summer really early, almost two months before all of my friend's schools- which is just hell

So I have made the smart decision of working on my independent study class nestled in the sweet havoc of the one city that stole my heart

And I am NOT living on campus

I really really really want to find a place to stay that is close by santa monica/venice/west hollywood or any place that will have cute little independent coffee shops for me to work

Now the hard part is just trying to find that place

And the search begins.....

But on a happy note!- I am super stoked to be here

I absolutely f*ing love this place... and to be honest I don't know why

so many people complain of the very things I rather enjoy

I think its just the honeymoon experience of living in such a vibrant city that hasn't worn off yet

whatever it is

I am so excited for summer

I finally feel like my life is beginning

my life separate from my parents

we all believe we have our own life when we are little

when in reality we are living our parents life

Our parents are living, building their lives through relationships, jobs, spouses and then eventually kids- the kids are part of the life- we are part of the life

But now I am on my own-yeah I am still financially dependent on them, I will be until I am out of this university aka money-vacuum.

But I am beginning my first steps

Its like our second set of first steps- our second phase of learning to walk

Our parents have to timidly and slowly let go of our hands hoping that by the time they release us completely we will have enough balance of our own to navigate through the hazardous world that surrounds us

pretty good analogy right? Yeah, I was proud of that one

Anyways.. this is the most exciting time of my life.. and I know I always sound so cheesy when I write, but these are truly the things I think about when I am spacing out in my classrooms

My life has started

And it feels really good

xoxo

-K

Closer to Fine

I know I talk a lot about the same stuff over and over again, and for that I am sorry.

Sometimes I feel like I haven't found every passion, every love, every category I belong to yet, so my perspective on life is limited only to that of which I have experienced.

I hope that every day my horizons will be broadened and ever day I find something else I can be passionate about.

But for now, there is only me.

There are certain songs in my life that when I hear them they shoot straight towards my heart.

I am sure everyone of us has a song or two that brings up nostalgic memories from the past.

But sometimes a song has no relative connection to your life through memory .

Sometimes the lyrics blend right into what ever you are experiencing at that time in your life.

maybe the melody or rhythm sparks an endorphin in your brain.

whatever it may be, there are certain songs we feel connected to, whether by accident or fate.

For me right now, this song rings true.

It makes me so happy every time I listen to it.

Have you heard of brainworms?

Not the creepy things from sci-fi movies but brainworms in relation to music.

I am sure it has happened to ever one of us sometime during our lives.

You hear a song on the radio and then for the rest of the day its stuck inside your head

repeating over and over and over and over again.

that would be a brainworm...well according to this cool british author/neurologist Oliver Sacks

For me I have an extreme case of brainworms.

I always have a song in my head, it doesn't matter what time of day or what I am doing, there is always a song.

It changes throughout the day depending on what happens.

Sometimes people spark a new song simply by stating a specific relative word within a sentence.

Sometimes other songs spark a new song, simply by reminding me of another tune.

Or the radio, just simply the radio.

Good thing I love music

my friends call me their ipod because I can usually name almost any song .

If they have a question about lyrics, or author or  etc. they come to me.

Although, it can be embarrassing if I don't have the answer.

I found this little pic on the blog by Achtung Baby!

And I fell in love with it.

When I see this pic it reminds me of myself
I know, how selfish!
But it's true.

I know I have done an unnatural amount of posts about music.
But I think you can understand why now.
It is simply, my life
It is always in my life
It surrounds me literally... isn't your head surround-sound? technically

Even though at this present moment I have a total number of readers: zero!
I want to put out the question,
what song is important to you right now?
not, what is your favorite song--I hate those kinds of questions.
But just, what song is important in your life right now?

xoxo
-K

Tachycardia Tuesday

And once again its Tachycardia Tuesday

So what makes my heart race today?

My buddy Bob Marley.

Right now I have Easy Skanking crackling through the air while my record spins one of my favorite records by him, Kaya.

A lot of people look up to this man, and each one for a multiple of different reasons.

I am not going to explain to you why I believe he was a great man.

I am not going to push onto you his beliefs of drug policy, or one love.

I was raised on Bob Marley

I remember running outside to play on a crisp clear sunny warm summer morning and hearing my parents blasting Buffalo Soldier through the outside speakers of our house

Bob Marley is just happy

His music is warming and loving

It makes me smile, every time I hear it

I think nothing is better than listening to Bob on a sunny carefree day, drinking green tea, and laying outside in a green grass park.

Maybe listening to him while just chilling with drinks on a summer trip.

Every time I hear his music my heart races

it races with... happiness?

good memories?

joy?

I am not sure exactly why it makes me feel the way it does

I just know that I really wish Bob was my best friend

Oh yeah, Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Bob Marley--sunshine and green grass--green "grass" haha--- I guess it fits!

xoxo
-K

Parlez-vous OPI

This is the color I have on my fingernails

Blue My Mind

This is the color I have on my toenails

My Chihuahua Bites! 

And this is the color that never gets old

Lincoln Park After Dark

Isn't it interesting how a certain nail polish color helps you identify with yourself?

I am not sure why I like nail polish so much.

Actually at times I despise it.

I feel like it is another way for people to look at you and put you in a box

"Oh, she is pink fingernails kind of girl? no thanks!"

or.. you know what I mean... maybe not that dramatic but close.

I've decided that it would be a really fun job to work for OPI naming colors.

How do they come up with some of these?

Didgeridoo Your Nails?

Friar, Friar, Pants on Fire!

Hey! Get in Lime!

Just Tea-sing!

OP-I Love This Color!

So what color is you?

If you had to choose one... not what is your favorite color (I hate that question)

Right now I am kinda feeling this one:

Met on the Internet

xoxo

-K

Hiking

Oh no!

I almost forgot to publish a post today!

That would have been so tragic!

It would have been the first day I missed posting!

Today I did my weekly rejuvenation ritual... hiking

I love to hike, now

I actually used to hate it when I was younger

I used to think it was boring, and so slow-paced

But I look forward to every sunday with great anticipation now

I love exploring

I love not knowing what is up ahead

I love how it clears my head

I love how I can think and think and think with no distractions

I love the hidden adventures with every step

I love the adrenaline of reaching the top of a hill

I love the feeling of knowledge of a new location on the map

It sounds so cheesy writing it out, I know

but its the truth

I have always loved nature

the fresh air

it just does something to me

my favorite smell in the world is fresh cut green grass

especially in the sunshine, it just warms it up

I love the sounds of hiking

today the tall grasses were swaying back and forth and I really wanted to just close my eyes and listen

but that would have been pretty humorous trying to hike and close my eyes at the same time

my friend would have thought I was a freak!

and she probably would have laughed at me as I fell face first too!

I finally found something that I truly love

and for no reason

sometimes I feel like I love things or do things only because its "cool" to do

I know its not true for everything in my life, but I do wonder

Adventure

I just love it

xoxo

-K

Umbrella Bloom

I am in love with street art.

I had never questioned or wondered why it appeals so much to me, until today.

I think I figured out why I love it.

It makes the world beautiful.

It brightens peoples days.

It brings creativity to a stereotypical day.

It is a moment of happiness.

It is fantasy from an evil world.

I have always been a positive person.

I have always loved the world, the people, everything.

But I have a completely new look on people and our society today.

I still see the "good" in people.

But I have begun to realize all the evil that is present within them too.

All the hate our society has for one another

Especially people who are different than the "average" person.

It hurts to be discriminated

It hurts to be hated

It hurts to be misunderstood

Especially for reasons out of your control

Especially for reasons because you decided to follow your heart

I love street art.

It helps me find the silver lining in a grey and cloudy world

xoxo

-K

ps. street art by Sam Spenser

Feeling Boxed

Look what I found out about today!

Pretty sweet, right?
Its boxed water!

This really has nothing to do about what I wanted to post about today

But it is pretty awesome

I would totally buy it If I walked into a 711 and saw this
Plus it would make you feel double good
1. drinking water, the best possible health option for your body
2. you aren't killing fishes or making gross plastic trash
oh and I thought of another one
3. you would look really cool drinking out of the carton

I don't know why I am pushing this product on you

I really get nothing out of it

And have never tried it myself

So moving on now

I've decided she's a tease

There is no other word to describe her

Although in her favor, she probably has no idea she is doing it

why would she?

Its not like I am obvious

Although I feel like I am wayyy out there, to me

I try

But in the end I always know its useless

My flirting is her kindness

It really is useless

The things she does to be kind, just make my heart race

I know they are actions of her just being nice

but I can't help it

I want to ignore it

So why do I keep going?

I have no idea

Just look at where I go to school

the possibility of anything happen has a 1% chance

probably more like .1%

So what should I do?

Ugh. This post is embarrassing and gross.

I have officially dropped the subject.

Do you remember Donna Lewis?

My very first CD.

Donna Lewis and then Spice Girls and then Gloria Estefan and then Savage Garden.

haha.

I had Seal on cassette tape

and The Best of Bread... that was my favorite.

I played it on my purple portable boom box.

I had a love for music from an early age.

mmm music.

Now thats a good topic.

xoxo

-K

Spashley, thats me.

Look what I found out:

Quizzes   Girls Games

Yep.. I am a mix.. in case any of you non-reaaders were wondering. 

I was expecting to be more like Spencer than Ashley... but I am more happy with the results I got. 

It means I am more of a badass than I thought, woohoo.

When it comes to these two girls, both characters and actresses.... I can't choose which one I like better.

During an episode I will switch back and forth like a dozen times.

"Ohh, Spencer looks so cute-I like Gabby Christian"

and then

"Wow, sexy... just listen to Mandy's voice... she really makes Ashley hot"

So yeah, I am glad I am a mix... that means I wont have to pick a favorite!

I had no idea they were doing these webisode things... until I found 'em.

So here is a cute one to stay within our "Spashley" theme for the day:

I am almost done with the episodes which mean death for SoN.
I don't think I can take the ending of yet another one of my favorite shows.
I guess I will just have to find another one!

xoxo
-K

Wasted

I found a crazy statistic the other day:

Listening to joyful music increases blood flow by 26%- as much as aerobic exercise-according to the American Heart Association.

I totally believe it.

Although I wish listening to music also made you get into shape... increased blood flow + metabolism... then I would have a bombshell body. 

So here's a little something to get your blood flowing:

I absolutely love this show, and now every time I heard this song it makes me all happy inside.

xoxo
-K

Tachycardia Tuesday

It's Tachycardia Tuesday

And I can't help it.. but once again I need to talk about The L Word.

I'm sorrrrry, I know its like repeat overload, but its the end.

Promise.

It's the end because its the end of The L Word.

Yes, that is what give me tachycardia this week.

To think that this show, this amazing, life-changing show is over.

I still can't believe that I will never see a new episode, ever again.

I will never see new little romantic quirks between Tasha and Alice.

I will never see Shane cheat on yet another lover.

I will never see cute clothes that I wish I could buy.

I will never feel or see a lot of things anymore.

I know I have already spilled my guts about how much The L Word means to me.

So I will spare you the details again.

I just wanted to point out how sad I am that these 6 years are over.

In a way its like loosing friends, we have all become so close to these characters, it will be sad to see them leave.

So thats what gives me Tachycardia.

And yet again, Its not one of the reasons why I would enjoy having a fast heartbeat.

I love you TLW.

xoxo

-K

I am

I am stressed. School sucks.

I am tired. 7 am wake up.

I am sad. Fuck you Ilene Chaiken.

I am relieved. Last Tachycardia Tuesday.

I am anxious. Summer months  a-comin'

I am content. With my life.

I am excited. For the future.

I am hungry. I need to hit up Ralph's.

I am... ready to finish my studying so I can watch some more SoN.

I am... feeling kind of sick and I am tired of these stupid stomach aches.

This is an awkward post, but I don't give a fuck.

I like swearing.

I like Tegan and Sara and watch way too many of their concert vids.

Which brings me to this:

I love how funny they are... it makes me happy.
I am happy.

xoxo
-K

Spring Break Heart

When a break is coming up I act like I don't want to go home.

I joke about, I laugh , I grunt when the topic of having to stay at home comes up.

I say that as much as I love my family, staying under the same roof with them for a week+ is incredibly hard now that I have moved out.

I outwardly say that I am not looking forward to going home.

I have no emotion while driving to the airport or waiting in the terminal.

My heart doesn't skip a beat as I touch down.

But its all an act.

Because I know the second I become happy for finally being home... I won't want to leave.

I put up a wall all week.

I roll my eyes at the non-existent entertainment.

I get frustrated with the slow drivers.

I whine everytime I go out in the cold.

I then, just when I think I will make it through the week without feeling at home.

It hits me.

The feeling that, "I am home"

And then I am just screwed.

Because everything I have been working for has been for nothing.

This is when I start feeling guilty for wasting my vacation trying to put myself in an LA box.

This is when I feel sad for not hugging my parents more or for snapping at my siblings when all they wanted was my attention.... attention they have been waiting for for months at a time.

And then the vacation is over.

I leave moaning the words, "I don't want to leeeeeeave"

And then faster than the process of arriving, I have already departed.

Now I am sitting in my dorm room, feeling as if I have never left this place.

I truly believe this is the first time I have felt homesick, like true homesickness, especially less than 24 hours after a vacation, in an extremely looooong time.

I can honestly say, "I miss home"

Now where are those damn ruby red slippers?

xoxo
-K

When I was your age...

Just like every other woman in the world when I look at celebrities and how beautiful they are, it makes me feel like shit. 

Especially at the pretty women gracing wonderful shows like the L word.

But then I got to thinking.

Celebrities are always so embarrassed when old photos of them surface.

I have decided to research three women that I think are beautiful and see what they look like when they were my age, approximately 20 years old, and what they look like now...

My love Leisha Hailey

23 years old
Today at 37 years oldJennifer Aniston

20 years old
Today at 39 years old
Clementine Ford

20 years old
Today at 29 years old

See... there is hope.

These women have been beautiful all of their lives, but they didn't look like how they do today at the age 20.

Today they are absolutely stunning, but when they were my age I think it is safe to say most were in a pretty awkward time/phase as far as looks are concerned haha.

I am not sure where I am going with this post, but I guess I just wanted to make myself feel better, just a little bit.

Although I have to admit, I think Leisha Hailey looks amazing... even with bright pink hair.

xoxo

-K

homesuckhome

So I feel like all of my posts have had a certain theme to them, that really doesn't represent who I am.

And it bothers me.

There is so much more to who I am.

It just happens that this one theme has been the prominent focus in of my mind thus making it the central theme to all my posts.

So today I strive for something completely different, no matter how random it may be.

I just found out my friend is not coming back home for her spring break

which means this last weekend here for me, wont overlap with her homecoming 

which means yet again I have been.... I have no idea how I wanted to finish that sentence.

As much as I love coming home there are things I dislike as well, and since I will be going back to school soon, I should start getting in the right mindset to leave, so I wont be culture shoked

So here is the list, no matter how fabricated I make it

1. constantly being asked if I have "a new boy in my life"

2. feeling guilty for the internal reaction I feel when someone asks the above question

3. the obnoxious person I become when I revert back to the old self

4. how everyone assumes I am the same person

5. how everybody wants to talk about my school because they think its "prestigious" or some shit like that

6. how much I miss freedom

7. how much I miss the LA lifestyle

8. how much I miss the awesome SoCal weather

9. how much I miss my friends

10. how much I miss my independent lifestyle

11. when I realize how much I miss (my brother growing up, inside jokes, trips, bonding etc.) not being home

12. when I realize how distant my relationship with my brother is becoming

13. how much I have to bite my tongue around my parents

14. how guilty I feel about the last statement

15. when I realize how I really have no friends from high school that I care about seeing

16. when I realize how different my best friends and I are now

17. the pressures of eating healthy

18. the slight awkwardness that has developed with the establishment of my different views  from my parents

19. the pressure of feeling like I need to visit my extremely lonely, extremely depressed grandma everyday

20. the guilt I feel when I barely spend time with her while I am home

21. driving my annoying car from high school

22. all the annoying memories/flashbacks that happen around town/in my car

23. running into people I really don't want to see

24. the idea that I feel annoyed/pressured/feel bad in general when I go home

so thats that list.

depressing, yes, I know. 

but its the truth.

Today is friday and by sunday night when I am in my institutional dorm room refurbished to feel "home-y" ... hungry, tired, and stressed about classes on monday.. it will be then that I regret writing this list. But thats life.

So for now I will suck it up, put a smile on my face regardless if its fake or not, take a shower in my clean personal bathroom, get dressed in my quiet, comfortable bedroom and then walk down stairs and give my loving mom a big hug.

Because for now, I'm home.

xoxo

-K

Island

Do you ever feel like you are on an island?

I know, super cliche.... actually one of the most overused cliches out there... but maybe its overused because it's true?

I think since I have been home I have especially felt this way.

The other week I found this picture and was automatically drawn to it. 

Its not a special place, just a simple picture of something that someone thought was beautiful.

But I really like it.

The picture was simply titled, Small Island in Lower Saranac Lake.

I think this feeling of "isolation" has been exaggerated ever since the happening on Tachycardia Tuesday.

I have been told before that I project my own thoughts of how someone perceives me onto them.

But I don't think this is true.

Anyways, I have kind of felt a different vibe with my mom, the one thing I was worried would happen.

This is the main reason I have been trying to get the courage up to talk to my sister, she was supposed to be the first person I told... but it didnt work out that way.

Now I am having hesitation, because I am truly worried this "awkward" feeling will come between my sister and I too.

I would be devastated.

We have such a close relationship, I would be heartbroken.

So, for now I feel like I am on an island.

With this "reveal" I have somewhat isolated myself from my family, from my mother.

Sometimes it's nice to be alone.

I have always had a slight fascination with islands, ever since I was little.

Probably the reason I pulled this picture off the internet originally.

In a way, I have always thought it would be cool to live on an island.

But it is kind of lonely.

I don't want to be in this "island."

No matter how beautiful, how amazing, how accepting it is.

I need to make sure I am up for a lifestyle or a life that may place me on an island when it comes to my family and friends.

At least until I have the opportunity to hangout in west hollywood or make friends involved in the same lifestyle... I know then I will feel content and "belonging" but until then... this will be my life.

Hope all is well

xoxo

-K