BAM!

How does death sneak up on you so easily?

It just strikes from out of the blue

One day I am happy, taking everything for granted..

and then BAM!

4 days later I have two friends in the hospital

Both on the verge of death

Both for completely different reasons

But both are way too young for this

I feel like I am in a surreal nightmare

This has to be a nightmare

Come on Kelsi...

wake up

wake up

wake up

The Lie

I like reading the Sunday Secrets from PostSecret.

I can always make up simple one-liners about my life,

that fit nicely on a postcard.

but I have never sent one in...

Maybe its because I don't really have that many secrets...

Do I even have one?

Sometimes I lie to myself,

hoping that it will change what is really inside my head.

But in reality it changes nothing.

It just confuses me about what is real and what is fake.

The lies are just a beautiful mask, covering up the ugly truth.

Why do I feel the need to have "good looking" thoughts?

What's wrong with having a dirty mind?

I don't mean having a dirty mind like that.

well, not necessarily.

But we all see it sometimes...

that shameful, hidden side of us that only reveals itself through vivid imagination and thought.

Where does it come from?

I was corrupted by the age of 4

And no it was not from the Reading Rainbow guy.

I think it was pure curiosity.

Natural interest.

I can't blame that book in the library-because I didn't find that until much later.

And when I say I can trace my sexuality back as far as 4...

Im not joking.

It all connects.

It all makes sense.

But maybe, just maybe- its only because of hindsight?

then what?

Is it all just twisted up in my memory?

Is it really only a lie..

told to make myself feel better..

to connect imaginary dots and come about with a conclusion..

that is simply a mask on top of lie?

Hot in Herre

Im not a feminist

but it does look appealing

I was caught looking in the "Women Studies" section of Barnes & Nobel the other day

I was innocently curious, and thought perhaps there were books worth learning from

Instead I now know where the lesbian sex books are located

I went on a itunes buying spree today

Every artist I bought was female

All the male singers/songs sounded like shit to me

So why would I buy one?

I found a new song today

and I have no idea why it makes me as happy as it does

I think its because its a girl singing the words... giving the power back to the women

all the women this song humiliated and degraded

this remix is for all the women who sang the words at middle school dances, not understanding their true meaning

For those who provocatively danced for the pre-pubescent boys, not even knowing what their gestures mean

this song is for the girl who lost her self confidence and humility with that slap on her ass

Hot In Herre - Jenny Owen Youngs

Today, my friends went to Pride

Today, I went on a 4 hour desert hike with my overly conservative parents

FML

Tomorrow, I get to see my favorite people in the word- My siblings

<3

Curve

I took another step today

Life is full of baby steps... many, many baby steps

You should have seen her face when she looked at the title of the magazine

It would have never occurred,

this feeling of empowerment,

Ii the stupid magazine would have just rung up correctly on the register

But no..

Instead it beeped twice and she scanned the cover for a barcode, for a reason it didn't register

Instead she found some surprising words underneath the title

describing exactly what audience the magazine serves

THE BEST-SELLING LESBIAN MAGAZINE

Wonderful

Why is it always the "embarrassing" things, or at least the ones you want to keep on the down-low that don't work at the cash register.

Its always these items that they either have to type the barcode in by hand or call on the intercom to get their manager's attention

So it was one of those

Like usual

But I didn't care

It made me smile

It made me giggle inside

and when I left

when I took my bag from her hand

I truly meant what I said

"Thank you"

Because she gave me that boost

that much needed push for me to take the next step

As I slid my avaitors onto my face and walked through the heavy green doors into the parking lot

I wasn't just walking to my car

I was bouncing

and beaming from ear to ear

"You did it Kelsi"

I did it

Cherry Palooza

There are very few things in my life I can always count on...

And one of those is the abundance of cherries around the 4th of July

And thus, as a product of this established truth, there is one more thing stable in my life

And that is a lot of stomach aches around the 4th of July

Im not sure what it is..

If its the juicyness

the flavor

the cute little wrinkly pit in the center I get to spit out like a hardcore biker chick

Im actually not sure why they hold such a power over me

But the month of july is dedicated to worshipping the cherry

Its only the 8th...

and my stomach already hates me

I don't think I can eat even one more

And unlink that extremely annoying commercial, I don't think I can force myself to choke down some cherry flavored pepto bismol...

Thats just nasty

Who wants artificial flavored cherry, when you can have the real stuff

I heard a rumor once that to cure a stomach ache, you should eat cherries

I think I should get on that

The Return

I'm back!!

Fresh from the jungles of Costa Rica... no seriously

Its so weird to be back in civilization

It feels awkward flushing toilet paper down the toilet

And I look like I have some kind of disease due to all the mosquito bites covering my body

But I'm back!

I thought I could burst onto this blog and write every one of my feelings down

But its not flowing that easily

To describe the experience of my trip with basic english vocabulary would be near impossible

This trip was exactly what I needed

and I had no idea

I fought it with everything I had at first

and I had no idea why

But then, one day, while sitting on the steps outside the hostel, staring into the surrounding green foliage

it just hit me

This is it

This was that thing that I have been waiting for to help me figure myself out

And that is exactly what it did

When I look back at my journal, the entire journey is layed out for me to read

Beginning in the airport and ending... I don't think I did an ending entry... but ending with a conclusion of myself

I can see the changes as they occur

I can see the light bulb go off

And its the most amazing thing I have read

And I read a lot of stuff on this trip, a total of 8 books I believe

but thats beside the point

I not only found myself

But I found out that I have a strong addiction to hammocks

and ended up purchasing and lugging back "the perfect hammock"

I met some truly amazing people

I formed a new family, Solo Bueno

I discovered how easy and how refreshing it is to live with only the bare essentials

and that taking jager bombs the night before your departure... might not be the best idea

I learned so much about myself, I can't even begin to list them all

The last entry that I left on this blog before I departed was titled I AM

My last entry in my Costa Rican journal is titled I AM

and it is the true answer to who I am

I did it

So what's next?

Well, besides taking advantage of hot showers

free flowing ice for drinking water

and air conditioning

I think I have a life to live, that for the past few months I have put on hold

I'm back!